The Horrible Histories finale song, from Series 5 Episode 12 9and 13, Savage Songs Special).
Stone Age brought you speech, farms, the wheel and fire.
Then metal was explored which meant we could make swords to kill, and build empires.
Think Ancient Egypt was nicer? Pharaoh’s tombs, lovely shrines?
But some were living graves for hundreds of poor slaves and pig’s eye was our cure for the blind.
Greek civilisation our creation, drama and philosophy.
But Sparta praised lying; celebrated dying and Hippocrates drank wee.
We brought you bloodshed.
Greek excursions to battle the Persians.
Disembowelling our dead.
Together we made the world a little bit grim.
Could be fairly dim.
We Romans brought you roads and public medicine,
Gladiator fighting, feeding men to lions, burning Christians. That kind of thing, you know.
Then came the Middle Ages; Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts,
A time of invasion, feudalism, famine, Black Death, bubos and welts.
1066 saw Harold in a fix as William conquered all.
What was the bettin’ an arrow in his retina would lead to his downfall?
We brought invasion and strife.
We attacked monasteries, said “Give us gold, please”, then we took your life.
Our crusades meant slaughter wherever we’d go.
Was it pretty? No.
Tudor, Stuart, Georgian monarchs next in line
Brought progress in science and art.
Also beheadings, burning, civil war
Breed an economy, for a start.
We gave you plague and disease.
Travelled, found the Incans, spread smallpox in a blink and brought them to their knees.
Dogs, cats and the French blamed for plague along the way.
Not such happy days.
Victorian technology went hand-in-hand with poverty,
Kids up chimneys and down mines.
Improvements to the world did pick up despite some violent hiccups;
Two World Wars, millions died.
Our times smelly and gory.
We reigned over you and told you what to do
And that is this story.
Thought we were amazing though you may quibble.
We’re History and we made it horrible.